When you are unable to do anything

Depiction of a woman feeling overwhelmed
Image Credit - Ольга Салль


There are so many things to do tomorrow, all the deadlines are creeping up on me. There are so many things I wish I had done earlier -- in 2012, 2013…..2020. The days keep going at the same pace but my mind is stuck-- always in a fight to do better, to do more. I should clean my room, exercise more often, study harder. I really need to take a shower. I’ll do everything, I promise. I’ll do it tomorrow.

I slept past my alarm, dad is already disappointed in me. I check my phone and stay on it for 10 minutes, an hour, till noon before I can do anything else. The urgency of all my unfinished tasks keeps creeping up on me. I’m so lazy. I know I’m a failure, my mind tells me so every day. It’s who I am -- my personality trait. I have always been like this. I finally eat my food, brush my teeth, try to listen to the buzz of the online classes in the background. Now, I’m tired, I just want to lay down. 

Mum’s screaming my name, I slept through the day, it’s evening now. There are so many things to do, so many things that could have been done. Why am I like this? Anyway, it is the last day to submit the assignment, so I work on it and submit it at midnight. I feel good meeting deadlines. I am not incompetent after all, I know how to do my work, I’m even good at it. I feel better.


It’s really late, but my day was so uneventful. I can’t go to sleep just yet. My friends aren’t online, I have already spammed them with enough memes, I don’t really know what to do. I boot up my computer, open Netflix. I see so many different things, some characters are living their lives, some are dying. I connect with them, I feel things that they feel -- the thrill of camping with friends, the joy of having a pet, the sadness of summer going away. Everything I feel, everything I want to feel is fake though. How can I feel alive by looking at a screen? Offline, I am just somebody who wants to finish all the deadlines.


Lost in my thoughts, I open Instagram and look at some posts -- they make me laugh. I need to share my happiness with somebody. I don’t want to laugh alone. I open the comment section and scroll through people’s opinions. Maybe I’ll share my happiness by reading how other people are feeling. My heart sinks...the popular comments are mean. They are saying that her nose is too big, her teeth are too yellow.

What?

That girl had just shared a joke about birds online. I get so angry. I move on to the next post, open the comment section again. I find myself agreeing with the ‘mean comments’. I am so embarrassed. Is this really how I feel or do I just want to feel like I belong?

I keep thinking and I keep fidgeting. It is 4 a.m now, I had to sleep early. I promise myself that I will wake up early tomorrow, be a better person and do the things that I really want to do. I’ll try to eat healthier, I’ll make notes in all my classes, I’ll pick up my calls, I’ll be social and I won’t be on my phone so much. Deep down in my heart, I know I’ll fail. I have already failed. I can't fulfil all that I plan to do tomorrow. I failed before I even began.

My phone is buzzing, I think someone texted me. Maybe I do belong somewhere.

Comments

  1. It was very relatable . Everyday i think that I'll improve but nothing much happens😟
    It also happens that at times i feel lonely and spam people, my best friends, anyone i see on my phones but still something is missing
    At night i sleep with a hope everything will change and positive things will happen
    But the cycle repeats
    🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your feedback, sincerely hope we can all figure this part of our lives soon.

      Delete
  2. So Relatable! And so well expressed Amazing! This kinda sucks though :(

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's like you are placing a mirror to everyone of us... Don't worry bud we all are in same ⛵

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, hope everyone learns how to sail with it soon :D

      Delete
  4. It is like a beautiful poem but only sadder. It very well connects with the lost minds of today's youth. I really appreciate your talent!

    ReplyDelete

Post a comment